Monday, April 14, 2014

Maybe I Answered That Too Fast....

I have made a new friend. Its the first friend that I have really made here in my new state. She also happens to have a little girl who is a few months younger than Little Man. We are still in the "getting to know you stages" which is way less awkward than it sounds. Unlike in dating, she is meeting me, the real me, and not my representative, which is a more proper, watered down version of me that I would employ if I were dating. She is getting the real me. She asked me a question. She asked it in with that dreamy, rosy red cheeked, dream come true kind of way "Did you always want to me a mommy?" *Insert the harps and the birds chirping*
 I answered almost immediately and abruptly "NO!" 
I sank back down. Did I answer that way to fast? I could see the dream fading in her face. I had to fix this before she called CPS. "I mean no, but now that I am I wouldnt change it for the world."
"OMG!", I thought to myself, "What am I doing? Running for Miss USA?! Why didnt I just end that sentence with "World peace" get yourself together." 

Thats the truth though. I honestly never aspired to have children. I dont (and still dont) think that I will ever be married. I know more people than I can COUNT that would shame me for that last sentence. Its the truth though. The only relationship that I have ever had that has meant the world to me and been worth a damn....was the one I didnt want to have in the first place (insert awkward silence because I kind of contradicted myself here)  but hes here now, and I would fight a thousand fights and die a thousand deaths before anyone did anything to him that I didnt see fit. I have sacrificed my whole life so he could have the one that was the best. I literally feel like I took everything in my life materialistic or not and threw it out the window. I kept a skeleton of my life my dog, my friends, my child, and the rest is gone. I had to get rid of old me to be the new me....the old me that didnt want children....I havent seen her in a while and I have a really hard time remembering her. Whats funny though is I remember how miserable she used to be. She spent a lot of time running around with an empty feeling inside her. She tried to fill that space with a great number of different things and nothing fit. I never in a million years would have thought that all I needed was a real, true love. No one told me that my best friend would be one that I created. My love for him is so overwhelming I have a hard time describing it; its hard to even live in it at times. 

I like the new me. I like that I can find peace with myself where I couldnt before. Its been a long road and little by little Im ready to let go of some of that journey that I have kept hidden for so long. So, I really feel like I answered my friends question untruthfully. I did want to be a mommy my whole life, I just didnt know it. 

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