They Only Turn One Once, They Wont Remember A Thing ...........

So, lately there has been a lot of talk about birthday parties. Is it appropriate to have a crazy. blow out party for a one year old? I've heard every point from one extreme to the next. There is the classic "they only turn one once" to the "they wont remember a thing you got them". I (naturally) have something to say to each side. For starters, no shit they only turn one once....and 2, 3,4, and I am going to have my first 30th birthday this year, but if you go by my mothers math Im going to be about 32-ish (Im not sure how the one that gave birth to me could add years -WAIT A MINUTE I think I have an idea there....sorry, Mom). Since you only turn the age you are, the year you get there that point is pretty much canceled out. SEE YA! Now, the second point "they wont remember a thing you get them.." well, well, well, arent you just a bit materialistic. Little Mans birthday is one week away, do you think I got him something life changing? No. Do I expect him to tell me when he turns (at the wise old age) 5 that he was so glad I got him that *insert whatever* on his first birthday and that he wouldnt know who he was or what he would do without *insert whatever*.......

Get it? 

OK. Good. 

BUT! What I do want him to remember is how it felt. How it feels to have that special day all to yourself, but I have to admit, now that I am a parent, birthdays took on a whole new special meaning, but more on that later. I want him to think about his birthday and get that flutter in his stomach of excitement. I want to see that flutter through his eyes as they light up and the apples of his cheeks flush red. THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! That is called magic and magic has become everything I am. :) What is life without it? I dont know and Im not going to find out. This whole concept is passed down from my own mother. She created a lot of magic for us when we were young and to this day, I know it was her, but my fluttering tummy will always have that little uncertainty that the Easter Bunny did come, Santa ate those cookies, those thumps were really reindeer, and my tooth is stuffed in some fairies pocket. So, am I going to have a huge birthday? Well...no. It will be filled with the people that he loves, some new things to play with, a yummy cake to dive into, and giggles, upon giggles. 

Tonight, I am celebrating a first milestone for myself. I made my first Easter basket as a Mom. It was rather exciting to lay Little Man down to bed and sneak the loot out in the living room. I spread it all over the floor and began assembling like I was diffusing a bomb  fluffing Easter grass, filling eggs, layer the goodies just so. 

I also made note that I didnt think about basket size vs goodie volume.....I expect there will be more fails to parenting, so I am not going to beat myself up about it. Thats called picking your battles. 

So, friends, tonight I begin my journey of planting the first seed of magic deep, deep into the belly of a chubby little boy. He has no idea what is in store for him. :)

Little Man when he was 4 days old. 

Here he was 2.5 months. 

Maybe I Answered That Too Fast....

I have made a new friend. Its the first friend that I have really made here in my new state. She also happens to have a little girl who is a few months younger than Little Man. We are still in the "getting to know you stages" which is way less awkward than it sounds. Unlike in dating, she is meeting me, the real me, and not my representative, which is a more proper, watered down version of me that I would employ if I were dating. She is getting the real me. She asked me a question. She asked it in with that dreamy, rosy red cheeked, dream come true kind of way "Did you always want to me a mommy?" *Insert the harps and the birds chirping*

 I answered almost immediately and abruptly "NO!" 

I sank back down. Did I answer that way to fast? I could see the dream fading in her face. I had to fix this before she called CPS. "I mean no, but now that I am I wouldnt change it for the world."

"OMG!", I thought to myself, "What am I doing? Running for Miss USA?! Why didnt I just end that sentence with "World peace" get yourself together." 

Thats the truth though. I honestly never aspired to have children. I dont (and still dont) think that I will ever be married. I know more people than I can COUNT that would shame me for that last sentence. Its the truth though. The only relationship that I have ever had that has meant the world to me and been worth a damn....was the one I didnt want to have in the first place (insert awkward silence because I kind of contradicted myself here)  but hes here now, and I would fight a thousand fights and die a thousand deaths before anyone did anything to him that I didnt see fit. I have sacrificed my whole life so he could have the one that was the best. I literally feel like I took everything in my life materialistic or not and threw it out the window. I kept a skeleton of my life my dog, my friends, my child, and the rest is gone. I had to get rid of old me to be the new me....the old me that didnt want children....I havent seen her in a while and I have a really hard time remembering her. Whats funny though is I remember how miserable she used to be. She spent a lot of time running around with an empty feeling inside her. She tried to fill that space with a great number of different things and nothing fit. I never in a million years would have thought that all I needed was a real, true love. No one told me that my best friend would be one that I created. My love for him is so overwhelming I have a hard time describing it; its hard to even live in it at times. 

I like the new me. I like that I can find peace with myself where I couldnt before. Its been a long road and little by little Im ready to let go of some of that journey that I have kept hidden for so long. So, I really feel like I answered my friends question untruthfully. I did want to be a mommy my whole life, I just didnt know it.