Thursday, March 6, 2014

And It Scares the S#%$ Out Of You!

 I have read some really cute articles on things little kids say that are really, really creepy. I'll link one here.

Well Kell is ten months and he knows how to say "Mama" (I'll wait for that collective "Aww" to slowly hush away), so he's not telling me creepy things yet, but he does this thing that literally scares the s#$% out of me every time. Allow me to paint this picture for you.
Its been a super long day (they are all long) and I'm pretty beat. I start to get Kell ready for bed at around 7. Its starts with the bath, then the oil rub down, the pajamas, the singing and soft tickles.....that usually does nothing and he will play in the floor until about 8-8:30. Fair enough. Around that time he starts making his rounds around the recliner I am perched in. He cruises by, rubbing one eye, and doing his weird chicken clicking noise. I know he's tired, but he's not ready for me to put him down. No. Of course not. He's merely dropping me little Post-It notes (metaphorically).
Note #1
(Eye rub, chicken cluck, scrunched nose)
"Hey, uh...Mom...I'm tired, but not done being a butthole to the dog, so...yea..I'll be back."
Ten minutes later/ dog is under the table hiding
Note #2
(Eye rub, eyes red, nose scrunched, chicken dying sound)
"Good LAWD, Mom! I'm really dying here, but if you grab me so HELP ME I will freak out on you! Don't you do it!"
I scoop up the child and attempt to nurse him down, he latches, bears down, pulls off, while grabbing the other one, and uses it as a handle bar to flip himself over and slides out of the chair while I try not to come unglued and cry out in pain. At this point the dog has come out from under the table and he's off to torture her some more.
This repeats itself until my mother comes into the room. He will then test her will and see how many time he can sucker her into picking him up. This is a game he does quite frequently. He then finds someone with a plate of something (usually dessert) and spends a good amount of time doing this cute little 2 stepped prance, while holding on to their pants, and cooing to get a few bites of whatever they have. He's a charming little s%#*. Then he will make his way down the hall to see if we left any doors open. He carefully pushes every door to make sure they are latched shut....he's like Homeland Security of the hallway. On his way out of the hallway he stops by the heater vent to practice guitar strumming.
Eventually, he looses the battle of being tired and he will finally calm down. He's asleep (like any man) in 25.7 seconds and its like the whole evening didn't even happen. This small tornado of an almost toddler (that pulls down everything he can reach and squeeze into every hole he can fit himself in) has the most majestically long eyelashes, the most perfect, gentle bridge of the nose, his soft full cheeks begged to be kissed, and his lips lay perfectly parted in the perfect latch. I watch him sleep. I watch his eyelids flutter and his mouth suckle as he dream feeds. The world becomes this warm, ambient glow of love, and I get lost in the precious moment. I rock this child for a while and catch my breath.
After he is good and asleep, I get up and move to the bed. I slowly get up, tell the dog "Let's go to bed", she gets up and slowly trails behind me. I walk down the hall trying to avoid the creaky spots (never works and I never quit trying). When I come into my room I lay him down as steadily as I can. He will twist, turn, and exhale loudly only on occasion stirring enough to open his eyes. I will nestle in and  lay with him for a few minutes to make sure he stays asleep.
Now there are things that every mom needs to do in between the kids going to bed and going to bed herself. My biggest "thing" is pee. I used to be able to pee, wash my face, brush, and floss before bed. Now I'm lucky to pee. I'm the master of removing my makeup via coconut oil and a baby wipe, brushing my teeth at 6:30pm while he's in bath, but that one is just a real booger to premeditate.
So here it goes, I manage to get out from under my sleeping child, slide every so gently out of the bed,  then I stand there in this funky pose, like I'm auditioning for Mission Impossible: Broadway, waiting to see if he will notice me being away and fly awake. Hold it. Wait for it. Standing. Don't breath.
OK. He's not going to wake up. I tip toe very quietly out of the room into the hall. I stop once more in the hall, in my Mission Impossible stance, staring at the bed knowing he's going to wake up. Wait.....wait.....OK. Now I do this incredibly stupid giddy walk/run thing down the hall and  fling myself on the toilet...ahhh.....finally. Relief. I pee as fast as I can and then remember my phone is in the living room. Crap! I sneak back down the hall and peek in the bedroom, he's still laying there all sprawled out perfectly asleep. I do the stupid walk/run thing to the living room, snatch my phone, turn off the light, and head back to the room. I've been gone 12.3 seconds. I enter the room, looking for my perfectly sprawled child on the bed, only to find this creepy,smiling, doll looking child sitting upright in the middle of the bed locking eyes with me.
And it scares the s*&# out of me! My blood runs cold and its like I am seeing a ghost! I have no idea why it scares me so bad, its not like I don't know he's there. I'm constantly amazed at how fast he wakes up. Thankfully, he's really out of it when he does this and it only takes some gentle encouragement to get him to back to sleep. Kids can be super creepy.

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