The Awkward Things You Do That Seem Totally Normal

*Inviting my child to the bathroom so I can poop, because it's ten times easier than trying to concentrate over hysterical crying and bathroom doors being busted down.

*Feeding my child food that has already been somewhat chewed on by me. 

* Being fed food that has been thoroughly chewed up and sucked on by my child.

*Letting him tweak my other nipple while he nurses because it beats him trying to steal mine phone.

*Letting him play with his weenie so I  can have an extra 30 seconds to grab a new diaper.

*Laying with him and pretending I'm  asleep when he wakes up...hoping he will go back to sleep.

* Forget that I'm  video blogging and burp, fart, and pick my wedgie. "Well this video is trashed!"

*Ask  my child "What does the cow say" 157 times in a day....I bet he concerned about how forgetful I am. "WOMAN! How do you still not know what the damn cow says!?!?!"

*Letting my child practice brushing his teeth with my toothbrush, while Im in the shower, and he starts scrubbing the walls with it.

*Coaching him while he poops and holding his hand.

*Reading "At the Zoo With Teddy" while I'm pooping.

*Playing Peekaboo .....While I'm pooping

*Making every single thing a game so he will engage.

*Having one boob three times the size of the other because I fell asleep while he was  nursing.

*Dropping my phone on his face....

*Referring to him as an "it" and not blinking an eye.

So there ya have it. There are probably a million more and maybe I'll add more at a later time. I know for a fact that I am not alone on ANY of these. What's your awkward moment?

My Wandering Mind VS Reality

Little Man and I went to the park the other evening. When I pulled up I was pleased to find that there was only one family at the toddler area. I wanted Little Man to have some good run around time without the threat of a bunch of bigger kids plowing over him, because, frankly, he plows himself over enough as it is. As I am sitting on the swings, swaying back and forth watching the other family, I start to notice some things. First off they were happy. It was a family of 4. Two little boys and a set of an adults. The man and woman seemed very happy and content together. They were giggling and playing with the two little boys, they played chase around the field, they even had an impromptu water fight with the fountain. The man would run up behind the woman, wrap his arms around her, lift her up and swing her around, her giggles and screams filled the air with robust laughter, you could feel and hear her love. Sigh. Here I am I sitting on a swing alone watching my 1 year old surf in the gravel. I'm not really into self pity, but it was like these guys were filming a Hallmark movie. Is this real? What made that woman different than I?
I, then became very aware that I was probably staring too hard at them and  (even worse) I think I may have been glaring. I wiped the look off my face and decided that my time would come and if it didn't well, screw it, I'll be fine.
Little Man and I finished our play at the park and just as we were leaving the Hallmark family was gathering their things. Then something happened that I didn't expect.....but should have. The woman and the two kids got into their modest (but seen better days ) minivan and the guy jumped into his nice, brand new truck, but not before kissing her and shutting her into the drivers seat of the van. Then they left in opposite directions.

In opposite directions....hmmmm.

Could it be that not so long ago she ....was me? That this love and fun time was the budding of a ~new~ relationship. All of a sudden, I started to not feel like the "odd" one. I was, infact, the normal one. I all of a sudden found an appreciation for her even if I had her situation all wrong, maybe the guy needed to go back to work? Or go to the store? Or go home to his real wife? How could I know?! Wrong or right, it gave me strength.  It gave me some reassurance that it's ok to be me. It's ok to be a single mom and pour all of my heart and soul into one 2 foot high, bald man. I know that's the right thing to do. It's just not always the easiest and by now I know that easy usually means I cut a corner. "No cutting corners this time, girl." I said to myself. I then loaded my dirty,  pudgey, smiling, red eyed, tired little boy up in his car seat and we stopped at the grocery store and bought doughnuts....because while we are focusing on just the two of us, we are going to eat doughnuts and laugh at ourselves.

The Threshold

Men are good at many things. Men know the power of threshold.

Let's just take a second and allow that sentence to soak in.

There have been times I have had to remind myself this sentence, but that's another topic. Anyway, I have always been puzzled that men have this instinctive way of knowing if something is big enough, small enough, weighs enough, gives out enough, takes in enough, has enough room, needs more...and I am not talking about sex. Sheesh. I am talking about like towing things, or pulling things, or building things. They can just look at something and throw out spectacular words like "torque, RPMs, fuel injection" whatever the hell any of these words really mean is beyond me (I'm not a dude!). I have always thought that they knew these things because,maybe, they worked around them all the time or studied them...but I've seen really stupid men walk into a situation, take one look at whatever Is loaded on whatever trailer, being pulled by whatever vehicle, and say " it won't pull it, Bob, it's not got enough *insert spectacular word*, and (shit you not) it would be right.
I never questioned how they knew these  things and I never questioned how little I knew about it...until I tried to write this post.....because I am aware that I sound really dumb right now, but my point will be valid, promise.
It turns out that men don't have to study these things, they don't have to work with them everyday, they don't have to do anything really...they just know. Want to know how? It starts real young.

About a month ago, Little Man discovered his penis. Good times. He used to stretch, flip, and crawl away during diaper changes but now he curls up like a Rollie Pollie to talk to his new found friend. I like that I don't have to chase him around, but getting his body unhinged can be a struggle. One day he had just gotten out of the bath and was laying on the bed on a towel....having a conversation with his new friend and I guess he got the bright idea that he wanted to look at it, so with that thought in mind he got a good hold of it and started to try to bring it up to his face. It didn't take but maybe one second before his stretching made his eyes bug out of his head and he quickly released his new friend, brought his hands up to his chest, and let out a big sigh.
Bam! His world was changed.

That's how all men know the power of threshold.

They Only Turn One Once, They Wont Remember A Thing ...........

So, lately there has been a lot of talk about birthday parties. Is it appropriate to have a crazy. blow out party for a one year old? I've heard every point from one extreme to the next. There is the classic "they only turn one once" to the "they wont remember a thing you got them". I (naturally) have something to say to each side. For starters, no shit they only turn one once....and 2, 3,4, and I am going to have my first 30th birthday this year, but if you go by my mothers math Im going to be about 32-ish (Im not sure how the one that gave birth to me could add years -WAIT A MINUTE I think I have an idea there....sorry, Mom). Since you only turn the age you are, the year you get there that point is pretty much canceled out. SEE YA! Now, the second point "they wont remember a thing you get them.." well, well, well, arent you just a bit materialistic. Little Mans birthday is one week away, do you think I got him something life changing? No. Do I expect him to tell me when he turns (at the wise old age) 5 that he was so glad I got him that *insert whatever* on his first birthday and that he wouldnt know who he was or what he would do without *insert whatever*.......

Get it? 

OK. Good. 

BUT! What I do want him to remember is how it felt. How it feels to have that special day all to yourself, but I have to admit, now that I am a parent, birthdays took on a whole new special meaning, but more on that later. I want him to think about his birthday and get that flutter in his stomach of excitement. I want to see that flutter through his eyes as they light up and the apples of his cheeks flush red. THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! That is called magic and magic has become everything I am. :) What is life without it? I dont know and Im not going to find out. This whole concept is passed down from my own mother. She created a lot of magic for us when we were young and to this day, I know it was her, but my fluttering tummy will always have that little uncertainty that the Easter Bunny did come, Santa ate those cookies, those thumps were really reindeer, and my tooth is stuffed in some fairies pocket. So, am I going to have a huge birthday? Well...no. It will be filled with the people that he loves, some new things to play with, a yummy cake to dive into, and giggles, upon giggles. 

Tonight, I am celebrating a first milestone for myself. I made my first Easter basket as a Mom. It was rather exciting to lay Little Man down to bed and sneak the loot out in the living room. I spread it all over the floor and began assembling like I was diffusing a bomb  fluffing Easter grass, filling eggs, layer the goodies just so. 

I also made note that I didnt think about basket size vs goodie volume.....I expect there will be more fails to parenting, so I am not going to beat myself up about it. Thats called picking your battles. 

So, friends, tonight I begin my journey of planting the first seed of magic deep, deep into the belly of a chubby little boy. He has no idea what is in store for him. :)

Little Man when he was 4 days old. 

Here he was 2.5 months. 

Maybe I Answered That Too Fast....

I have made a new friend. Its the first friend that I have really made here in my new state. She also happens to have a little girl who is a few months younger than Little Man. We are still in the "getting to know you stages" which is way less awkward than it sounds. Unlike in dating, she is meeting me, the real me, and not my representative, which is a more proper, watered down version of me that I would employ if I were dating. She is getting the real me. She asked me a question. She asked it in with that dreamy, rosy red cheeked, dream come true kind of way "Did you always want to me a mommy?" *Insert the harps and the birds chirping*

 I answered almost immediately and abruptly "NO!" 

I sank back down. Did I answer that way to fast? I could see the dream fading in her face. I had to fix this before she called CPS. "I mean no, but now that I am I wouldnt change it for the world."

"OMG!", I thought to myself, "What am I doing? Running for Miss USA?! Why didnt I just end that sentence with "World peace" get yourself together." 

Thats the truth though. I honestly never aspired to have children. I dont (and still dont) think that I will ever be married. I know more people than I can COUNT that would shame me for that last sentence. Its the truth though. The only relationship that I have ever had that has meant the world to me and been worth a damn....was the one I didnt want to have in the first place (insert awkward silence because I kind of contradicted myself here)  but hes here now, and I would fight a thousand fights and die a thousand deaths before anyone did anything to him that I didnt see fit. I have sacrificed my whole life so he could have the one that was the best. I literally feel like I took everything in my life materialistic or not and threw it out the window. I kept a skeleton of my life my dog, my friends, my child, and the rest is gone. I had to get rid of old me to be the new me....the old me that didnt want children....I havent seen her in a while and I have a really hard time remembering her. Whats funny though is I remember how miserable she used to be. She spent a lot of time running around with an empty feeling inside her. She tried to fill that space with a great number of different things and nothing fit. I never in a million years would have thought that all I needed was a real, true love. No one told me that my best friend would be one that I created. My love for him is so overwhelming I have a hard time describing it; its hard to even live in it at times. 

I like the new me. I like that I can find peace with myself where I couldnt before. Its been a long road and little by little Im ready to let go of some of that journey that I have kept hidden for so long. So, I really feel like I answered my friends question untruthfully. I did want to be a mommy my whole life, I just didnt know it. 

Magic And The Witching Hour

I have a friend named Christina who just had a beautiful baby boy. While we got all wrapped up in birth stories, breastfeeding, and the overall joy of mommy hood, but then she started describing something that slammed me so hard back into one of the first hard struggles I had with Little Man, and that was the damned witching hour. 

So I dedicate this post to her. 

You will survive this. :)

The witching hour. Sigh. Let me first say that the name is complete crap! It does not last an hour, in fact it has not really truly started until you are at least an hour into it. Little Man started his bit at 4 p.m. I would anxiously watch the clock starting at about 2 and try to come up with some sort of plan to ward off my impending doom. I had read multiple articles and done tons of research on this and basically what it all boiled down to was being outside of a bubble that you were once in for 9 months is total bitch. The only thing you could try to do was recreate that bubble. So...think like a womb. Since I do not exactly remember by 9 month stretch of water balloon vacation I stuck to the basics.  The bath was an obvious first choice. The bath was pretty magical. Low lights, warm water, and skin to skin contact worked very nicely. He would lay on my chest while I poured warm water over his tiny body. The bond that we have is so very powerful. Sometimes the bath did not work and I would have to seek refuge in other things. During this phase of his life is when I discovered the power of baby wearing. I had a Moby wrap (http://www.mobywrap.com/mw/Home.htm) and it was BY FAR the best gift I have ever been given. I would wrap him up in my Moby and take my screaming child to a magical place out in the yard called "The Bunny Trail". The bunny trail was a large pathway cut through some black berry patches that connected our yard to the neighboring road that goes up the mountain that lives behind us (yes, the mountain lives there as if it has the opportunity to move when its lease is up). The blackberry bushes are taller than you are and it has a very Secret Garden feel to it. Its quiet and calm, yet buzzing with life. The greenery, the trees, the mossy soft ground, and the chirp and cheep of life was enough to calm my screaming child. He would look around with his pitiful face all red and tear streaked. He would lay on my chest and just feel the movement of the walk with calming sounds of nature. I would talk to him while we walked and tell him all the things that were around us. I would point things out and brings things closer to him.  We walked the bunny trail several times a day. It was a cleanser of all things bad and one of the few things that slayed the silent demon of the witching hour. 

Little Man in his Moby walking on the bunny trail. 

One of the first times I ever put him in my Moby. 

I had also read that over stimulation also would contribute to the witching hour. I would like to publicly thank Costco for this. Costco is over stimulating to anyone really, but we started to referring to whole activity as "Being Costco'd". It never failed every time we went there and  I would pay for it ten folds that evening. I can not say the exact day the witch left us. I guess because on days he was not haunted by her I just chalked up as a good day. Eventually, the good days became routine and just like it came it was gone in a flash. Now its a distant memory. I do have to thank the witch (a little bit) because she really gave me an opportunity to learn about my little man and bond with him. We have a very, very powerful bond and I will admit sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming. If it wasnt for the witch I wouldnt know how to truly read him and his needs. She inspired me to be creative and to not be scared to look for answers and try new things. 

Someday, Christina, you will say the same thing. 

All magical things happen in the bath. When Little Man was just a few months old he found "his legs" in the bath. He would splash and stretch them and my heart would flutter with love. You can watch that here. 

These days the bath is a whole new fun thing!! 

Plum Sauce

Starting a little one on solid food is a fun, fun ride. Go ahead and watch the first 45 seconds of the video. He is REALLY enjoying that, uh! I thought so too. My mom and I had spent a good part of last summer making our own baby food. We bought fresh fruits/vegetables and frozen fruits/vegetables, cooked them down, seasoned them, and pureed them. Little man loved most everything we put in his mouth. My mom also made some things for the family too. She made this awesome apple butter that we would dip our steak in (my mouth is watering thinking about it) and she made some spicy plum sauce (not for sissys) and regular plum sauce (for Little Man).  We have a cherry, pear, and apple trees, and berry bushes in our yard.....just typing this makes me long for summer. Anyway, back to this story. When I filmed this video I was laughing at him so hard! That reaction to each bite! Those fists! Those noises! Those little feet kicking!! I was so excited to find something that he loved so much, so fast! I couldnt wait to show my mom the video. I just knew she would be so proud that all that hard work was not in vain. When she came home that day I showed her the video and we were just rolling! She then asked (I still to this day do not know why she asked this) "Did you use the plum sauce in the basket or the door of the freezer?" ......long silence......
"The basket......why?"

"Well....that's the spicy plum sauce, dear."

Now, go back and watch me feed my poor (then 5 month old)  child spicy plum sauce. This reaction has a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

Oops.